I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something