I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.