And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.