Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”