Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.