“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.