I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
wtf is an acronym
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.