Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Who chose this font
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!