I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…