I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?