Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
You Might Also Like
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am