I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
You Might Also Like
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm