Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
They’re called werewolves.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Erm…
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
no such thing as a dumb question
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?