I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Best seat on the street 😍
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“We will wed,” I threatened