[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.