I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …