[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
uh oh
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho