Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property