Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Word!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
an airline just for babies.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Wise advice
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush