Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Dear Lord..
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities