HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
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One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
only 11 steps left
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
channeling her this year
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian