My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly