I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.