Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m already scared
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
handsome & gretel
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?