What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro