did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
never deleting this app.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”