I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Jogging
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”