Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?