My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.