Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork