I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
That’s what I call a flat tire
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is