Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.