I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?