This made me smile…
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Hitlers gonna hitl
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Well, shit
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
This is enough internet for the day.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…