Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.