We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
How many calories are in Twitter beef?