not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
anyone else like Italian cereal
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop