My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990