When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
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My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
very niche meme I made
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle