I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
why would tinder want me to say this
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
only 11 steps left