Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Don’t tell me what to do
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes