[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough