Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
They did not miss in the small print
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Dune (2021)
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
yes… yes…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.