*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???