Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”