I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT