[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.