I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe