The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
and now we wait
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?