Carpe DM
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When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[eulogy]
line?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead